Prompt from Priscilla:
Do you know this old folk song?
Well, I know where I'm goin'
And I know who's goin' with me
I know who I love,
But the dear knows who I'll marry
And I know who's goin' with me
I know who I love,
But the dear knows who I'll marry
Today’s prompt is about going – and coming. We all come from somewhere, and we’re all going somewhere. And of course, our ancestors came from somewhere, our children are going somewhere, we may wish we were somewhere else. So, write about comings or goings, or even staying in place!
Coming or Going (Cascade verse)
ReplyDeleteIgnorance is now all knowing
everything is upside down and inside out
I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Bias and hostility are growing
while ugly rhetoric they shout
ignorance is now all knowing.
What's this life really all about?
our inner demons are gleefully showing
everything is upside down and inside out.
Like lava hatred keeps on flowing
until all I want to do is shout
I don't know if I'm coming or going!
I really like this form! I will have to try it! At first I thought it was a villanelle then realized it wasn't. I decided to figure it out rather than look it up and I see all three of the lines in the first stanza are repeated, one at a time as the last line of the next three stanzas with the first line rhyming with it and the middle line being the alternate rhyme. Love it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like the poem too. Sooo true. Decided that since this is only once a month, to do a bit of critiquing too.
A couple little grammar things. "all-knowing" is hyphenated I think, the way you're using it. And you need a comma after "Like lava".
My main problem with the poem is that when you have such a specific rhyme and line scheme like this, I expect a regular number of beats too. Here's the beats I get from it:
4-6-4
5-4-4
4-4-6
4-4-4
Given that most of our lines are 4 beats I'd go for that. My suggestions for the "off beat" lines.
"everything is upside down and inside out"
Simply drop the "everything is". I think it works even better with just "Upside down and inside out"
"bias and hostility are growing"
Use a synonym for hostility: hatred, rancor menace, venom
On a "personal prejudice" note, I find there are way too many "ing"s but since "coming and going" is your theme, I don't see a way to change that.
I didn't want to delete and start from scratch but realized one of my suggestions won't work. If you use 2 syllable instead of 4 for hostility, you lose two beats rather than one. You could use a synonym for bias too, like bigotry. Well, you get the idea. LOL
DeleteAnother suggestion for reading more smoothly. Change "I don't know" to "Don't know".
Deletewow! thank you and yes I see what you mean... this will be getting a work over and will post the fixed version but leave the original as well.
Deleteokay here's the rewrite and yes I agree about the 'ings' didn't like having so many but the topic sort of set that up and I couldn't find a way around it.
DeleteComing or Going (Cascade verse)
Ignorance is now all knowing
upside down and inside out
don't know if I'm coming or going.
Bias and anger are growing
while ugly rhetoric they shout
ignorance is now all knowing.
What's this life really all about?
Inner demons are showing
upside down and inside out.
Like lava hatred keeps on flowing
until all I want to do is shout
don't know if I'm coming or going!
I absolutely love this poem. It is definitely a keeper!! If you are collecting for a book, this is one to put in it. I think you should write a book with form poetry...you are very good at the different forms.
Delete"Like lava hatred keeps on flowing..." I love that line!!!
I love the rewrite except one thing. "Inner demons are showing" is only three beats. Maybe modify "demons" with another word like - hellish, evil, savage, etc.
DeleteShoot, and it was my suggestion too. "Don't know if I'm coming or going" only has three beats too. I like it better without the "I". Maybe "Do not" or "I am" instead of both contractions.
DeleteComing or Going (Cascade verse)version 3 :-)
DeleteIgnorance is now all knowing
upside down and inside out
don't know if I am coming or going.
Bias and anger are growing
while ugly rhetoric they shout
ignorance is now all knowing.
What's this life really all about?
psychotic demons are showing
upside down and inside out.
Like lava hatred keeps on flowing
until all I want to do is shout
don't know if I am coming or going!
My papa came from Spain
ReplyDeleteHe came over when he was 12
He had adventure in his spirit
He had wonder in his soul
He came over when he was 12
He was a stow away on a cargo ship
He had wonder in his soul
He roamed the world wide
He was a stow away on a cargo ship
He was found because he was hungry
He roamed the world wide
He was put to work swabbing decks
He was found because he was hungry
He was looking around for food
He was put to work swabbing decks
He earned his passage to America
He was looking around for food
They laughed at his skinny little presence
He earned his passage to America
He grew into a man
They laughed at his skinny little presence
They made him work very hard
He grew into a man
He saw the sights of the world
They made him work very hard
He had adventure in his spirit
He saw the sights of the world
My papa came from Spain
You should write down all of our family stories that you know. I will add them to the photo album online. Now that you've told this, I remember the story, but had forgotten it. I'd love to hear all of the ones you know.
DeleteAs a poem, except for one thing, I won't critique unless you give me permission. That one this is the "He"s. I'd suggest either rewriting to not use an article, or using Julio, Grandpa, Papa, Abuelo, other things because you end up with 16 lines in a row that start with "He".
Maybe the three of you should collaborate on a family history in poetry collection!
DeleteI find that I've learned a lot about myself and our family when I've written family stuff - especially when I go beyond the facts as I know them and write from the point of view of one of my forebears.
Rewrite as per Victoria's request:
DeleteMy papa came from Spain
Julio came when he was 12
Abuelo had adventure in his spirit
My papa had wonder in his soul
Julio came over when he was 12
Papa was a stow-away in a cargo ship
My papa had wonder in his soul
He roamed the world wide
Papa was a stow-away in a cargo ship
Abuelo was found because he was hungry
He roamed the world wide
They put him to work swabbing decks.
Abuelo was found because he was hungry
Grandpa was looking around for food
They put him to work swabbing decks
Julio earned his passage to America
Grandpa was looking around for food
They laughed at his skinny little presence
Julio earned his passage to America
Abuelo grew into a man
They laughed at his skinny little presence
The sailors made him work very hard
Abuelo grew into a man
He saw the sights of the world
The sailors made him work very hard
Abueelo had adventure in his spirit
He saw the sights of the world
My papa came from Spain.
in my opinion there are too many names for him...
Deletehow about
My papa came from Spain
when he wa only twelve years old
with adventure in his spirit
My papa had wonder in his soul
i know that would mean fixing the lines in the next stanza but i think it makes an easier read
wonderfully told! love the story telling of this poem. it flows beautifully and as the story unwound. great work on the pantoum as well.
ReplyDeleteshe comes goes comes goes
ReplyDeleteunsure if it's her or me
on wrong side of door
awesome! love how this plays with the readers mind.
DeleteGreat haiku!!! and it says a lot...it tells a little science fiction story actually! At least in my mind...
DeleteWell, I have the bones of something so I'll go ahead and post it. I've been so upset over the tragedy in Orlando that I'm not able to concentrate well. One of the victims was a friend of my son's; both Kamora and Ben are taking this very hard.
ReplyDeleteBut here's my poem, as is:
Coming, not Going
My ancestors crossed a wide ocean to arrive
in Massachusetts, endured storms, conflicts
and doubts to find this better place.
From Plymouth some ventured to the wilderness
of the Eastern Frontier; others crossed prairies
and mountains to the far northwestern coast.
Most chose to make the journey, to leave behind all
that was familiar, only the children given no vote,
yet they all stayed here until their deaths.
I am content in the land they chose, yet sometimes
I wonder if I would brave raging sea, hostile
continent, move somewhere unknown.
Perhaps what I call patriotism is not
a rational choice, but merely evidence
of an indolent nature.
©Priscilla Anne Tennant Herrington
I am so sorry for your pain of losing people you knew in that horrible tragedy in Orlando. Hate breeds horrific events and this one shocked us all.
Deleteas for the poem it left me feeling sad and longing for something more... would we have been as brave as our ancestor to venture to a new land not knowing what we would find or would we have stayed and endured the familiar regardless of the cost? this poem made me think and that is a good thing. well written and evoked emotions.
I too am sorry for your son's loss in that terrible incident.
DeleteThe poem is absolutely wonderful. By that I mean full of wonder and it made me think also would I have come and my answer would be yes. I am the type to want to know what is on the other side of the ocean. Beautifully written!!!
Reading the coming and going poems I find myself marveling, enjoying and also grieving. What can I say? I have a silly poem to add, which I will, and apologize for being late but better late than...Plus I will work on Forbidden Fruit as well, later on. meanwhile here is my entry for the prompt:
ReplyDeleteComing and Going
I have been so busy with coming and going
that poetry took a back seat to knowing
which way was up and which was down
and whether I'd been and whither was bound.
Like Alice I've run as fast as I could
to remain in one place the best that I could
so here I will be, and here I will stay
for my coming and going is done for the day.
Tasha Halpert