This is GREAT! Love how you brought politics and religion to the forefront here and then used repetition with "It's forbidden to buck and fight". Those are the two main things people are prone to argue about-as adults anyway.
I do have one tiny criticism however but it's nothing big. This piece had an excellent flow that I really enjoyed but your one repetitious line threw me off at every stanza. I think it might flow much better if you used "It is" instead of "It's"...could just be my OCD talking though!
Each of us children found the grapes in turn The juicy morsels of forbidden fruit They were hidden back between the shops We found them while roller skating around the block
The juicy morsels of forbidden fruit Mom said, "don't touch, leave them alone" We found them while roller skating around the block Each in our turn found them irresistible
Mom said, "don't touch, leave them alone" She didn't tell us why, so we didn't obey Each in our turn found them irresistible But, they were so juicy, so sweet, so forbidden
She didn't tell us why, so we didn't obey We all in our turn were naughty children But, they were so juicy, so sweet, so forbidden We ate them green, we ate them ripe, we didn't care
We all in our turn were naughty children We all in our turn found the forbidden grapes We ate them green, we ate them ripe, we didn't care Yes, somehow we homed in on delicious grapes
We all in our turn found the forbidden grapes They were hidden back between the shops Yes, somehow we homed in on delicious grapes Each of us children found the grapes in turn.
Funny. Because I'm short of time this week, I had considered posting this one. It's an old poem that includes the subject of our poem too.
SOUR GRAPES WITH SUE
The smell of diesel fuel reminds me of sour, green grapes in alleys, where they grew wild between the factories behind my father's house and the summer Sue taught me to disobey my dad.
He would beat my brother Joe for crimes I wouldn't try. He hit me for things I did not do anyway. So what could be worse if I got caught? Sue asked. And if I wasn't caught? I felt power
well inside my new breasts, that I could look at him and know he did not. It worked. It stunned me to the soul to know God did not come strike me dead for sins. I lied. I did things that I did not confess
to priests on Saturdays. Sue pushed me to go, left me if I wouldn't. I went. We ate those forbidden grapes, stolen from the alleys, the juice that smelled of foundry fumes. They were just the start.
We rode our bikes to twelfth street, where young girls did not go, past foundries. We even went inside the door of one, drank water from the fountain as sooty cheeked men at work smiled at our daring deeds.
Our small adventures felt so brave. So many first times. Sue took me far outside boundaries. We saw a world which was rarely pretty but full of flaws, as we were explorers far from home.
I do remember this awesome poem. Each one of us discovered those grapes in a different way. But the lure of those luscious purple grapes was too hard to resist. And the sins we didn't tell the priest didn't turn our souls black....
This is AMAZING! So much repetition that I can't pick out one single part, but it drove home just how forbidden those grapes were. My favorite line was "she didn't tell us why, so we didn't obey", but with no reason for why, and then making them something forbidden is just another way to get kids to do something twice and take pictures!
Love how your poem was able to conjure up such vivid images. "As sooty cheeked men at work smiled at our daring deeds..." not only did you describe in perfect detail where these forbidden grapes were but other facets of being a child and doing other things deemed forbidden. Beautiful!
Love how your poem was able to conjure up such vivid images. "As sooty cheeked men at work smiled at our daring deeds..." not only did you describe in perfect detail where these forbidden grapes were but other facets of being a child and doing other things deemed forbidden. Beautiful!
oh yeah I remember those grapes! well done... a couple things I would fix... the 5th stanza has too many We starts.. and the 2nd line is too much like the first.
Vic can probably add to this but I would say...
We all in our turn were naughty children found the forbidden grapes too seductive ate them before they were ripe, we didn't care yes, somehow we homed in on delicious grapes
found the forbidden grapes too seductive they were hidden back between the shops yes, somehow we homed in on delicious grapes each of us children found he grapes in turn.
I thought I tasted paradise, but alas! It was only sin. The scent of lust was pungent, and it is so that I gave in. I craved those electric shivers you sent creeping up my spine. The gentle, yet insistent pull-only imagined- between your heart and mine. I thought I lay in paradise, but alas! It was only sin. Only the scent of shame remained, burned into my skin. I never heard from you again; you just left me with our sin. Adrift in my now desolate, and tainted paradise within.
Loved the poems you all came up with. I confess to a total lack of inspiration! I have been out straight with guests and stuff to do and had no leisure for poetry. However I enjoyed all that I read and think the efforts are all very worthy indeed.
Forbidden (Kyrielle)
ReplyDeleteMama had one big golden rule
we could not yell or act the fool
angry words can hurt and bite
Ii’s forbidden to buck and fight.
Hang your politics up at the door
to debate them is such a bore
no need to squabble through the night
it’s forbidden to buck and fight.
Keep your religion to yourself
store it on imagined shelf
no one is wrong, no one is right
it’s forbidden to buck and fight.
Differences we need not debate
fill each other with terror and hate
we do not need to live in fright
it’s forbidden to buck and fight.
very good!!! right on the spot with the theme!!! and great advice to boot. Well written poem!
DeleteThis is GREAT! Love how you brought politics and religion to the forefront here and then used repetition with "It's forbidden to buck and fight". Those are the two main things people are prone to argue about-as adults anyway.
DeleteI do have one tiny criticism however but it's nothing big. This piece had an excellent flow that I really enjoyed but your one repetitious line threw me off at every stanza. I think it might flow much better if you used "It is" instead of "It's"...could just be my OCD talking though!
Awesome write though!
Each of us children found the grapes in turn
ReplyDeleteThe juicy morsels of forbidden fruit
They were hidden back between the shops
We found them while roller skating around the block
The juicy morsels of forbidden fruit
Mom said, "don't touch, leave them alone"
We found them while roller skating around the block
Each in our turn found them irresistible
Mom said, "don't touch, leave them alone"
She didn't tell us why, so we didn't obey
Each in our turn found them irresistible
But, they were so juicy, so sweet, so forbidden
She didn't tell us why, so we didn't obey
We all in our turn were naughty children
But, they were so juicy, so sweet, so forbidden
We ate them green, we ate them ripe, we didn't care
We all in our turn were naughty children
We all in our turn found the forbidden grapes
We ate them green, we ate them ripe, we didn't care
Yes, somehow we homed in on delicious grapes
We all in our turn found the forbidden grapes
They were hidden back between the shops
Yes, somehow we homed in on delicious grapes
Each of us children found the grapes in turn.
I do love the poem and the great memories it evoked as I read. those were the days... lol!
DeleteFunny. Because I'm short of time this week, I had considered posting this one. It's an old poem that includes the subject of our poem too.
DeleteSOUR GRAPES WITH SUE
The smell of diesel fuel
reminds me of sour, green grapes
in alleys, where they grew
wild between the factories
behind my father's house
and the summer Sue taught me
to disobey my dad.
He would beat my brother Joe
for crimes I wouldn't try.
He hit me for things I did
not do anyway. So
what could be worse if I got
caught? Sue asked. And if I
wasn't caught? I felt power
well inside my new breasts, that I
could look at him and know
he did not. It worked. It stunned
me to the soul to know
God did not come strike me dead
for sins. I lied. I did
things that I did not confess
to priests on Saturdays.
Sue pushed me to go, left me
if I wouldn't. I went.
We ate those forbidden grapes,
stolen from the alleys,
the juice that smelled of foundry
fumes. They were just the start.
We rode our bikes to twelfth street,
where young girls did not go,
past foundries. We even went
inside the door of one,
drank water from the fountain
as sooty cheeked men at
work smiled at our daring deeds.
Our small adventures felt
so brave. So many first times.
Sue took me far outside
boundaries. We saw a world
which was rarely pretty
but full of flaws, as we were
explorers far from home.
I do remember this awesome poem. Each one of us discovered those grapes in a different way. But the lure of those luscious purple grapes was too hard to resist. And the sins we didn't tell the priest didn't turn our souls black....
DeleteThis is AMAZING! So much repetition that I can't pick out one single part, but it drove home just how forbidden those grapes were. My favorite line was "she didn't tell us why, so we didn't obey", but with no reason for why, and then making them something forbidden is just another way to get kids to do something twice and take pictures!
DeleteVictoria,
DeleteLove how your poem was able to conjure up such vivid images. "As sooty cheeked men at work smiled at our daring deeds..." not only did you describe in perfect detail where these forbidden grapes were but other facets of being a child and doing other things deemed forbidden. Beautiful!
Victoria,
DeleteLove how your poem was able to conjure up such vivid images. "As sooty cheeked men at work smiled at our daring deeds..." not only did you describe in perfect detail where these forbidden grapes were but other facets of being a child and doing other things deemed forbidden. Beautiful!
oh yeah I remember those grapes! well done... a couple things I would fix... the 5th stanza has too many We starts.. and the 2nd line is too much like the first.
ReplyDeleteVic can probably add to this but I would say...
We all in our turn were naughty children
found the forbidden grapes too seductive
ate them before they were ripe, we didn't care
yes, somehow we homed in on delicious grapes
found the forbidden grapes too seductive
they were hidden back between the shops
yes, somehow we homed in on delicious grapes
each of us children found he grapes in turn.
these are just suggestions and my opinion.
Tarnished
ReplyDeleteI thought I tasted paradise,
but alas!
It was only sin.
The scent of lust was pungent,
and it is so that I gave in.
I craved those electric shivers
you sent creeping up my spine.
The gentle,
yet insistent pull-only imagined-
between your heart and mine.
I thought I lay in paradise,
but alas!
It was only sin.
Only the scent of shame remained,
burned into my skin.
I never heard from you again;
you just left me with our sin.
Adrift in my now desolate,
and tainted paradise within.
Haunting! the last two lines gave me chills... well written!
DeleteMeghan, beautifully written! very seductive, it just pulls me in with you..."the scent of lust was pungent"...has to be my favorite line.
ReplyDeleteLoved the poems you all came up with. I confess to a total lack of inspiration! I have been out straight with guests and stuff to do and had no leisure for poetry. However I enjoyed all that I read and think the efforts are all very worthy indeed.
ReplyDelete