I'm going to try to write a new one, but meanwhile here's one from when I was young and romantic.
THE MASKED MAN IN LOVE: I
I come from the corners of the earth trailing glory the wind roars rams dance and ships cut through giant waves at my command I make dogs bark and when I pass through your town you'll know it because when the wind blows east to west I make the grass bend west to east these things I'll do for anyone
But I'd give you old things like certain parts of my body unseen and untouched by mortal woman in over a thousand years like trails through woods that lead to homes unbuilt and things that grow slowly as babies and things that fit in your pocket so you can carry them anywhere and large ungainly things you'd have to come home to
I have always loved your MASKED MAN series. This is no exception. The images in the second stanza are particularly powerful, especially the last four lines.
this poem is very interesting and intriguing. I enjoyed the imagery. I could see the masked man. "in over a thousand years, like trails through woods..." breathtaking
I have many that fit this theme. Sigh... But I have two very different poems that both fit the "found love" category that I really want to share.
The first is from my "Yo Miss! I Need A Pencil!" collection of teacher poems and stories:
A LOVE POEM
I tell Brittany, Tenaira, Angelanne that I love them. That’s a lie, they tell me. I know
I should own up to it, the fact that I tell the truth, but I do not, tell them that I exaggerate
because they will not believe me, cannot believe a teacher could love them, since they do not
love themselves or me. I tell them that I care. Angelanne smiles and believes that I do.
She will still be late tomorrow, or absent. She will still fail math this year even with my love.
...
The second one is from my collection of children's poems.
SPRING LOVE
I look for love, some kind of sign, a love for me, a love that's mine. I look in every place I know but only see my brother Joe out on the porch swing with a book. He pets Miss Kitty as I look out in the yard. I look above, a goldfinch sings. I don't find love or anything. Some flowers bloom. The roses smell like mom’s perfume.
I look again, and then I see that love is here, a love for me. I love the flowers, love the trees. I love the goldfinch and the breeze. I love to watch Miss Kitty play. I love her colors, orange and gray. I love the porch and love the swing I love the warmth that comes with spring. I love my mom and dad. Y'know, I even love my brother Joe.
I feel the love that's in the air and see that love is everywhere.
she said foreplay was watching porno together she gave him babies then left him with a dirty house and dishes in the sink he thought he was hurt, but he felt relief the fights were over the fits were done
he saw his old flame from childhood a gentle beauty she offered him comfort she soothed his broken brow and his heart fluttered something inside came alive they held hands kissed for no reason he exchanged smile for smile something he'd forgotten how to do...
I made this one up in my mind on the way home from a party. After seeing my oldest son, 48, with his new love. I feel that I want to write another. Something that will take more time and occupy myself for awhile...
One small suggestion. You have "he" three times in two lines. "he thought he was / hurt, but he felt relief" I think you can do without the one in the 2nd line. "he thought he was / hurt, but felt relief"
Yes,Victoria, Destiny moved in with Mark and they are very happy together. They bought a new bed. She bought new sheets and pillows and a quilt. She cleaned the bathrooms and the fridge and she makes meals so Mark doesn't have to cook for the kids anymore. She keeps the dishes done and everyone loves her. Julie's stuff is slowly getting put in the basement. Thanks for the suggestion. I will change it on my poem. On my paper copy.
the first four lines sum up Julie's story and maybe give more insight than you meant to give and explains a lot of their problems. as for Destiny coming back into his life she always lived on the edge waiting. a well written poem.
And I want to know more about the childhood flame. "Gentle beauty" doesnt cut it. Flame from grade school? Junior high school? What did they do then? What do they do now? She has to be more interesting than the porno queen. I'd rewrite the whole second stanza. This could be really good.
I wrote a long, long response to this, and I guess I didn't hit "publish." Remember that a poem isn't what really happened. A poem is words on a page -- "Best Words, Best Order" as Stephen Dobyns says -- and it starts to matter when it comes alive in someone's mind. The person who reads it isn't going to know or care who Julie is -- they're going to care about the feeling they get about love lost and love found, as they read about these people. The woman in the poem -- as distinguished from the woman in real life -- says that ...foreplay was watching porno together
and that's how we get the information. We know that we're going to find out something about her and foreplay, and that that information is going to be withheld. That's what a linebreak in poetry does. that's why
she said foreplay was watching porno together
is different from
She said foreplay was watching porno together.
We don't get the porno till the third line, and it's a bit of a shock. Gender stereotypes being what they are, it's more of a surprise than if he liked watching porno. You could do even a little more with it if you wanted to --
she said foreplay was watching porno together she picked it out
So what do you have? A gross woman who doesn't get that sex is lovemaking, giving and receiving love? A strong woman who's not afraid of her desires? That's for the reader to decide.
Then we have
she gave him babies then left him
I think you have to take this as she left the babies with him when she left. Did Julie really do that? I don't know, I don't care. My relationship isn't with Julie, it's with the character you've created in this poem -- the gross, porno-consuming woman who doesn't understand real love, for a man or for babies, or the free-spirited woman who follows her own destiny.
Anyway, that's all we know about her, because the poem's focus shifts to him. And it's enough. It's a vivid picture. Ambiguous? Yeah, and that's good. You show, you don't tell.
And that's what I'd like to see in the second half. You pretty much devote the second half to telling us how wonderful the childhood flame was, instead of showing us another vivid character.
You don't want to tell the reader who they are supposed to prefer -- the porn-guzzler or the hand-holder. The reader should be able to make that choice.
twice I have re-written this poem and twice it has been taken away or something. I am going to try to write it at the bottom of the page. That might be my problem. I don't know.
What the heck, here's the second half of that diptych.
THE MASKED MAN IN LOVE: II
I had salmon color for you and the length of an arc but they were already yours
Then I wanted to give you your own body in its original wrapper I would have gestured over it and made rosebuds appear but they were there already
What else was there? nothing that seemed more precious
Only, at home in my closet several large performing bears that come tumbling out with hair that bristles and paws that juggle and soft, broad noses that bump and snuffle and blow warm breath
Still powerful poem. I'm trying to remember what year it was we first met. I do remember these poems from all the way back then. At least 20 years. On the Prodigy Folk Music BB. LOL
Here's little one I wrote before, for love found. I will meanwhile be thinking..... My Always Valentine
Light of my heart, song of my days Love of my life, you are always First in my prayers, first in my heart, My special darling right from the start. I love you so and together always We will as one spend the rest of our days. Together as one eternally twined Hearts linked to always be valentined.
Sweet sentiments. Strangely, it reminded me of "Game of Thrones" where Daenerys Targaryen calls her husband "My sun and stars" and he called her "Moon of my life."
she told me foreplay was watching porno together she chose the smut she gave him babies then left him with children in their beds a filthy house and the sink filled with dishes he thought he was hurt, but it was relief the fights were over her fits were done
and ever waiting in the background his childhood sweetheart a gentle beauty who lay down beside him gave him her soul soothed his broken brow gave him touching he hadn't had in years and his heart fluttered the children clung to her he asked her to move in they hold hands in public kiss for no reason he exchanges smile for smile something he'd forgotten how to do...
and the house is clean the dishes stay done there are pancakes for breakfast a brand new bed new sheets and pillows a quilt that she made peace in the house love in the air no strife anymore there is laughter no screaming a gentle woman who touches hearts
This is really developing into the story of a life. And the focus has changed. It's now about him. The two women are parts of his life, and that makes the fuzziness of detail (gentle beauty) much more acceptable. But there's a momentous change in this draft. Two small words, and they change everything. In the first line, "she said" is changed to "she told me." That introduces a new character into the poem, someone who cares about this young man and wants to see him happy. So the poem is not only now about him, it's now personal. I'll come back and add more to this if I'm not already boring everyone to death.
I, for one, am not bored. I always feel honored when you take time with my poem. Time is the most valuable quantity on earth and you are someone who understands poetry and the poem always turns out better with your analysis. I would bet Linda feels the same although I wouldn't presume to speak for her. ... On another note though, when you asked to hear more about the childhood sweetheart, I thought you meant, when they WERE childhood sweethearts. Or maybe that is what I was looking for so I projected it onto your request.
I am really enjoying this. I could write a saga about Mark and his two women. lol. I will re write again if you guys want me too. He knew the childhood sweetheart for 33 years. So there is much to tell.
Maybe you should start writing it as prose. Don't expect anything to come of it, but maybe it will. Maybe you'll have a novel. But I do like it as a poem. To Vic - actually I think I meant something different -- sharper detail about her. But as the poem changed direction, that became less important. I actually also have a poem that uses the phrase "gentle beauty." And it's very much a love lost poem.
I finally managed a new poem on the theme, hoping someone will see it and enjoy it. It is about my late son Robin, written on his birthday, which is today.
February 18, for Robin
On the porch icicles sparkle in the sun I cherish the way they coruscate But the ice melts until they disappear, one by one.
Dissolved, their beauty escapes me, gone and done. But then a sunbeam sparkles through my crystal hanging there, the rainbows
scatter everywhere; my heart embraces this new beauty as the love leaps up and sings in my seeking heart.
This is your birthday, and your beauty sings to me in every dewdrop rainbow, every flaming autumn tree, each rose that opens to the sun.
Loves lost are found again remembering your loving heart and how you cherished everything.
I'm going to try to write a new one, but meanwhile here's one from when I was young and romantic.
ReplyDeleteTHE MASKED MAN IN LOVE: I
I come from
the corners of the earth trailing glory
the wind roars
rams dance
and ships cut through giant waves
at my command
I make dogs bark
and when I pass through your town
you'll know it
because when the wind blows east to west
I make the grass bend west to east
these things I'll do for anyone
But I'd give you
old things
like certain parts of my body
unseen and untouched by mortal woman
in over a thousand years
like trails through woods
that lead to homes unbuilt
and things that grow slowly
as babies
and things that fit in your pocket
so you can carry them anywhere
and large ungainly things
you'd have to come home to
I have always loved your MASKED MAN series. This is no exception. The images in the second stanza are particularly powerful, especially the last four lines.
Deletethis poem is very interesting and intriguing. I enjoyed the imagery. I could see the masked man. "in over a thousand years, like trails through woods..." breathtaking
Deletemade me smile and gave me chills. love it!
DeleteI have many that fit this theme. Sigh... But I have two very different poems that both fit the "found love" category that I really want to share.
ReplyDeleteThe first is from my "Yo Miss! I Need A Pencil!" collection of teacher poems and stories:
A LOVE POEM
I tell Brittany,
Tenaira, Angelanne
that I love them.
That’s a lie,
they tell me. I know
I should own up to it,
the fact that I
tell the truth,
but I do not, tell them
that I exaggerate
because they will
not believe
me, cannot believe
a teacher could love them,
since they do not
love themselves
or me. I tell them
that I care. Angelanne
smiles and believes
that I do.
She will still be late
tomorrow, or absent.
She will still fail
math this year
even with my love.
...
The second one is from my collection of children's poems.
SPRING LOVE
I look for love, some kind of sign,
a love for me, a love that's mine.
I look in every place I know
but only see my brother Joe
out on the porch swing with a book.
He pets Miss Kitty as I look
out in the yard. I look above,
a goldfinch sings. I don't find love
or anything. Some flowers bloom.
The roses smell like mom’s perfume.
I look again, and then I see
that love is here, a love for me.
I love the flowers, love the trees.
I love the goldfinch and the breeze.
I love to watch Miss Kitty play.
I love her colors, orange and gray.
I love the porch and love the swing
I love the warmth that comes with spring.
I love my mom and dad. Y'know,
I even love my brother Joe.
I feel the love that's in the air
and see that love is everywhere.
great rhyme and rhythm!! I think this is a beautiful poem. I really enjoyed reading it a lot!!! I especially LOVE the last two lines!!
DeleteThe first poem was very sensitive and disturbing. I enjoyed reading it. I felt for you and the girls involved. You write very well.
Deleteas much as the first poem makes my heart cry the second one makes it laugh and smile
Deleteshe said foreplay
ReplyDeletewas watching
porno together
she gave him babies
then left him
with a dirty house
and dishes in the sink
he thought he was
hurt, but he felt relief
the fights were over
the fits were done
he saw his old flame
from childhood
a gentle beauty
she offered him comfort
she soothed his broken brow
and his heart fluttered
something inside came alive
they held hands
kissed for no reason
he exchanged smile for smile
something he'd forgotten how to do...
I made this one up in my mind on the way home from a party. After seeing my oldest son, 48, with his new love.
DeleteI feel that I want to write another. Something that will take more time and occupy myself for awhile...
Both lost and found love. Are they still together? Beautiful poem. Especially the last two lines.
DeleteOne small suggestion. You have "he" three times in two lines. "he thought he was / hurt, but he felt relief" I think you can do without the one in the 2nd line. "he thought he was / hurt, but felt relief"
DeleteYes,Victoria, Destiny moved in with Mark and they are very happy together. They bought a new bed. She bought new sheets and pillows and a quilt. She cleaned the bathrooms and the fridge and she makes meals so Mark doesn't have to cook for the kids anymore. She keeps the dishes done and everyone loves her. Julie's stuff is slowly getting put in the basement. Thanks for the suggestion. I will change it on my poem. On my paper copy.
Deletethe first four lines sum up Julie's story and maybe give more insight than you meant to give and explains a lot of their problems. as for Destiny coming back into his life she always lived on the edge waiting. a well written poem.
DeleteMaybe you dont need "felt relief" at all. Never tell readers stuff they'll know without your saying.
Deletehe thought he was
hurt, but the
fights were over
And I want to know more about the childhood flame. "Gentle beauty" doesnt cut it. Flame from grade school? Junior high school? What did they do then? What do they do now? She has to be more interesting than the porno queen. I'd rewrite the whole second stanza. This could be really good.
Deletegiggle giggle...Tad, it wasn't Julie who liked the porn movies... that was one of her problems with the marriage... but that's another story.
Deleteyes it was Julie who liked the porn movies, Bonnie.She told me it was foreplay. She even chose the flick !!!
DeleteI wrote a long, long response to this, and I guess I didn't hit "publish."
DeleteRemember that a poem isn't what really happened. A poem is words on a page -- "Best Words, Best Order" as Stephen Dobyns says -- and it starts to matter when it comes alive in someone's mind. The person who reads it isn't going to know or care who Julie is -- they're going to care about the feeling they get about love lost and love found, as they read about these people. The woman in the poem -- as distinguished from the woman in real life -- says that
...foreplay
was watching
porno together
and that's how we get the information. We know that we're going to find out something about her and foreplay, and that that information is going to be withheld. That's what a linebreak in poetry does. that's why
she said foreplay
was watching
porno together
is different from
She said foreplay was watching porno together.
We don't get the porno till the third line, and it's a bit of a shock. Gender stereotypes being what they are, it's more of a surprise than if he liked watching porno. You could do even a little more with it if you wanted to --
she said foreplay
was watching
porno together
she picked it out
So what do you have? A gross woman who doesn't get that sex is lovemaking, giving and receiving love? A strong woman who's not afraid of her desires? That's for the reader to decide.
Then we have
she gave him babies
then left him
I think you have to take this as she left the babies with him when she left. Did Julie really do that? I don't know, I don't care. My relationship isn't with Julie, it's with the character you've created in this poem -- the gross, porno-consuming woman who doesn't understand real love, for a man or for babies, or the free-spirited woman who follows her own destiny.
Anyway, that's all we know about her, because the poem's focus shifts to him. And it's enough. It's a vivid picture. Ambiguous? Yeah, and that's good. You show, you don't tell.
And that's what I'd like to see in the second half. You pretty much devote the second half to telling us how wonderful the childhood flame was, instead of showing us another vivid character.
You don't want to tell the reader who they are supposed to prefer -- the porn-guzzler or the hand-holder. The reader should be able to make that choice.
twice I have re-written this poem and twice it has been taken away or something. I am going to try to write it at the bottom of the page. That might be my problem. I don't know.
DeleteMystic magic came his way
ReplyDeletethe day that he came out as gay
his virginity now was lost
but finding love was the cost
He desired everything he got
his new found love was very hot
They found new things to do each day
working out or going to a play
What they did, they didn't care
sometimes they did things on a dare
They mostly avoided the public eye
weren't ashamed, they didn't know why
Together they finally got a place
shared the chores of the space
At times they cried in each others arms
for lost children who came to harm
He's been happy now for two years
with his true love he has no fears
So, sometimes a loss is really a gain
true love is something you cannot feign.
note: this is purely fictitious but I was thinking of my
grandson as I wrote it.
cute and a fun sing song rhythm.
DeleteI liked your first poem better, but this is sweet.
DeleteLove seeing the word feign! So nice to see a word that's not used all the time. I liked it, very nice poem may it come true.
DeleteWhat the heck, here's the second half of that diptych.
ReplyDeleteTHE MASKED MAN IN LOVE: II
I had salmon color for you
and the length of an arc
but they were already yours
Then I wanted to give you
your own body
in its original wrapper
I would have gestured over it
and made rosebuds appear
but they were there already
What else was there?
nothing that seemed more precious
Only, at home in my closet
several large performing bears
that come tumbling out
with hair that bristles
and paws that juggle
and soft, broad noses
that bump and snuffle
and blow warm breath
Still powerful poem. I'm trying to remember what year it was we first met. I do remember these poems from all the way back then. At least 20 years. On the Prodigy Folk Music BB. LOL
DeleteI love the imagery this gives the reader! Her body wrapped in roses and the soft brown bears. Very power filled poetry! I love it!
DeleteThis is adorable!Love the images of the bears.
ReplyDeleteHere's little one I wrote before, for love found. I will meanwhile be thinking.....
ReplyDeleteMy Always Valentine
Light of my heart, song of my days
Love of my life, you are always
First in my prayers, first in my heart,
My special darling right from the start.
I love you so and together always
We will as one spend the rest of our days.
Together as one eternally twined
Hearts linked to always be valentined.
awwwwww!!! this is so sweet!
DeleteSweet sentiments. Strangely, it reminded me of "Game of Thrones" where Daenerys Targaryen calls her husband "My sun and stars" and he called her "Moon of my life."
DeleteThis is adorable! I love "light of my heart, song of my days" it is a very unique way of saying I love you.
DeleteLost and Found
ReplyDeleteLooked for what I'd lost
among the diamonds and rust
you were what I found
I love the thought, but I think you should change diamonds and rust, since that's the name of a Joan Baez song.
DeleteI know it is... have you not noticed my last 3 poems (this one included) had lines from songs in them?
DeleteLOL. I remember one did but didn't realize this was 3 in a row. Okay, a theme.
DeleteI love your senryu! it is short and to the point. I enjoy how you use other people's songs and make sweet poetry out of them! Good job!
Deleteshe told me foreplay
ReplyDeletewas watching
porno together
she chose the smut
she gave him babies
then left him
with children in their beds
a filthy house
and the sink filled with dishes
he thought he was
hurt, but it was relief
the fights were over
her fits were done
and ever waiting
in the background
his childhood sweetheart
a gentle beauty
who lay down beside him
gave him her soul
soothed his broken brow
gave him touching
he hadn't had in years
and his heart fluttered
the children clung to her
he asked her to move in
they hold hands in public
kiss for no reason
he exchanges smile for smile
something he'd forgotten how to do...
and the house is clean
the dishes stay done
there are pancakes
for breakfast
a brand new bed
new sheets and pillows
a quilt that she made
peace in the house
love in the air
no strife anymore
there is laughter
no screaming
a gentle woman
who touches hearts
This is my third attempt at re-writing this poem. I hope it stays up. It is more insight to the childhood sweetheart, for Tad.
DeleteThis is really developing into the story of a life. And the focus has changed. It's now about him. The two women are parts of his life, and that makes the fuzziness of detail (gentle beauty) much more acceptable.
ReplyDeleteBut there's a momentous change in this draft. Two small words, and they change everything. In the first line, "she said" is changed to "she told me." That introduces a new character into the poem, someone who cares about this young man and wants to see him happy. So the poem is not only now about him, it's now personal.
I'll come back and add more to this if I'm not already boring everyone to death.
I, for one, am not bored. I always feel honored when you take time with my poem. Time is the most valuable quantity on earth and you are someone who understands poetry and the poem always turns out better with your analysis. I would bet Linda feels the same although I wouldn't presume to speak for her. ... On another note though, when you asked to hear more about the childhood sweetheart, I thought you meant, when they WERE childhood sweethearts. Or maybe that is what I was looking for so I projected it onto your request.
DeleteI am really enjoying this. I could write a saga about Mark and his two women. lol. I will re write again if you guys want me too. He knew the childhood sweetheart for 33 years. So there is much to tell.
DeleteMaybe you should start writing it as prose. Don't expect anything to come of it, but maybe it will. Maybe you'll have a novel. But I do like it as a poem.
ReplyDeleteTo Vic - actually I think I meant something different -- sharper detail about her. But as the poem changed direction, that became less important.
I actually also have a poem that uses the phrase "gentle beauty." And it's very much a love lost poem.
I finally managed a new poem on the theme, hoping someone will see it and enjoy it. It is about my late son Robin, written on his birthday, which is today.
ReplyDeleteFebruary 18, for Robin
On the porch icicles sparkle in the sun
I cherish the way they coruscate
But the ice melts until they disappear, one by one.
Dissolved, their beauty escapes me, gone and done.
But then a sunbeam sparkles through
my crystal hanging there, the rainbows
scatter everywhere; my heart embraces
this new beauty as the love leaps up
and sings in my seeking heart.
This is your birthday, and your beauty sings to me
in every dewdrop rainbow, every flaming
autumn tree, each rose that opens to the sun.
Loves lost are found again remembering
your loving heart and how you cherished everything.
I saw it! Liked it.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for saying so. I appreciate your looking, seeing and commenting!
ReplyDelete