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Saturday, February 23, 2019
Write a poem around the line...
When Annie came to town.... it doesn't have to be your title but the line should be used at least once in your poem. Tell us what happened when Annie came to town....
you ever get off the train at the wrong stop deliberatlly wolfie. just to see what happens? just never get off at fellgate. i nearly fell and there is no gate ha ha - love paul.
I really like this, but I like the showing better than the telling. If you could keep giving specific details and stay away from saying that everyone was happy, until the last first.
THis is an older poem, which I adapted a little to bring Annie into it. It begins with an epigraph.
A MAN OF VIRTUE REACTS TO A SPECIFIC ACT OF SEDUCTION
Both (Auden and Berryman) remain tied to a traditional use of predicaments--those concrete situations of personality and circumstance that allow readers to identify themselves with what is being depicted: how a man of virtue, for example, might react to a specific act of seduction. Over an extended number of circumstances and a variety of personal characteristics, these predicaments set up so closed a system of logic that...the reader can predict the character's behavior in circumstances that are not contained in the work.
Jerome Mazzaro, Postmodern American Poetry
You can picture how I felt. I, a man of virtue, proof by innocence against the dark rings of urgency under pale peach peignoirs of predatory housewives, by experience against the lace bows and favors of the modern coquette, by art against the direct lines of argument favored by those holding graduate degrees in anthropology and intent on homewrecking-- in short, armored with a skill for every wile.
But then Annie came to town. And I don't have to fill you in on the specifics of her attack. You can imagine what happened.
I feel like a secret is being shared and it's there for us to find if we look hard enough or listen close enough. The new lines enhance the first poem and works well.
gotta write this now, as i just heard she was dead. for annie substitute sarah. that was her name.
MORTAL THOUGHTS
annie was murdered on the streets last night ros told me she put up a fight the cops couldn't give a shit she was only a homeless girl they'll get over it never had a banner to unfurl
when annie came to town she thought it would be all soft bread and butter didn't realise how the city grinds you down and ends your life, with a knife, in the gutter
" spare change please......spare change please.......spare change please " annie must have said that a thousand times a day anything to get her fix for the day " spare change please......spare change please.....spare change please "
i'm doing this at the gig tonight. read it to clare and we both blubbed. apparently crying in the library is allowed. i'm investigating her murder, as the cops aren't interested in another dead street girl..somebody has to - love paul.
This is really sad and you did a great job expressing yourself and your anger and grief. You created the scene and the mood and passed on your feelings... I'd say a job well done!
the audience was sortta stunned. i sang it in a high c and blubbed all over the harmonica. too much new zealand wine and crazy flute players - love paul
The sky turned upside down when Annie came to town. The squirrels and mice did frown and dug a hole in the ground. The trees waved their roots in the air but no one wanted to share although the day was fair when Annie came to town.
Annie came to town Annie had a gun She wasn't looking for fun She was looking for her The one that stole her man Annie had a gun Annie came to town Maybe she should run Annie had a frown Annie came to town Bang!
When Annie came town, There was the gradual insidious sweep of changes in mood…. It took a while for me to see Annie for who she really was.
It started off with normalising abuse to my body Running every day is healthy, I thought, it keeps me thin, I thought. The copious amounts of green tea with vanilla 8-9 cups each and every day The starve and binge cycles I put my body through.
I only really noticed Annie when she showed up in my sister. My already very slight sister was now showing each and every bone. Her formal photos revealed the truth. Annie had come to town alright, And she had stayed far longer than she should.
Now Annie’s left town. And I breathe a sigh of relief. My sister and I laugh and tell stories, we go to gym together, we swim together We live much more freely than before.
Certain things however have stuck: I cannot drink green tea anymore: The acrid burning at the back of my throat upon it touching my tongue – enough to make me gag. The body dysmorphia, hatred of mirrors and photos… They’ve all stuck around. My sisters need to constantly exercise is now counterbalanced with adequate calories.
Sometimes I wonder – Did ANYONE invite Annie to town? I don’t recall it. But she isn’t welcome here again.
excellent millie. would this be annie rexia to give her, her full name. i'm allergic to tea. so it's never been a problem. seafood pizza and a pint of lager....the breakfast of champions ha ha - look after yourself - love paul.
Thanks Bonnie and Pauley :) Oh man, i tried to write a more cheerful one, but Annie/Ana was triggering so i thought better just to get it out of my system.
the name is changed to protect the not very innocent.
ReplyDeleteTHE SKY IS FREE
annie came home
and answered the phone
it was bad news
so she sat in st anne's church pews
when annie came to town
she shouldn't have come back
it only brought her down and down
should have stayed on the train track.
this is very good and very sad...
Deletethanks bonita. there are a few of us that should never get off the train...metaphorically speaking. the actual train is hell ha ha - love - paul.
DeleteI'd like to see more. Not a lot more -- I like that the story is just hinted at. That's something I always like.
Deletethanks tad. just a glimpse of a complicated woman on the edge - paul.
DeleteThis is very good. I like the brevity. It says a lot in so few words.
DeleteYep, sometimes we wonder just what would have happened if we would have stayed on the train...well written
Deletethanks victoria. a tough promt from bonita. just had to change the name though. never knew any real annie's - love paul.
Deleteyou ever get off the train at the wrong stop deliberatlly wolfie. just to see what happens? just never get off at fellgate. i nearly fell and there is no gate ha ha - love paul.
DeleteYup, sad indeed, and that's the way of it sometimes...
Delete" you can never...never...never go home again " - the smiths.
DeleteExcellent. Sad. Beautiful.
Deletethanks millificent. i'll get to your e - mail soon - love paul.
DeleteThere were dogs and a clown
ReplyDeletea marching band complete
when Annie came to town
everything was upside right & upside down
ticker tape covered the street
there were dogs & a clown
not a single tear or frown
just happy faces and dancing feet
when Annie came to town
I wore my silken golden gown
sparkle slippers on my feet
there were dogs and a clown
a princess with a golden crown
a drummer who could not be beat
when Annie came to town
No one felt sad or down
life seemed whole and complete
when Annie came to town
there were dogs and a clown
I love this! An excellent villanelle and a great story.
DeleteOMG! This is terrific Great villanelle and very imaginative story
DeleteWELL DONE and cute to boot!
Deletewell done bonita. i'll take the dogs, princess and marching band, but clowns scare me - love paul
ReplyDeleteI really like this, but I like the showing better than the telling. If you could keep giving specific details and stay away from saying that everyone was happy, until the last first.
DeleteTHis is an older poem, which I adapted a little to bring Annie into it. It begins with an epigraph.
ReplyDeleteA MAN OF VIRTUE REACTS TO A SPECIFIC ACT OF SEDUCTION
Both (Auden and Berryman) remain tied to a traditional use of predicaments--those concrete situations of personality and circumstance that allow readers to identify themselves with what is being depicted: how a man of virtue, for example, might react to a specific act of seduction. Over an extended number of circumstances and a variety of personal characteristics, these predicaments set up so closed a system of logic that...the reader can predict the character's behavior in circumstances that are not contained in the work.
Jerome Mazzaro, Postmodern American Poetry
You can picture
how I felt. I,
a man of virtue, proof
by innocence against
the dark rings of
urgency under pale peach
peignoirs of predatory
housewives, by experience
against the lace bows and
favors of the modern coquette,
by art against the direct
lines of argument favored
by those holding graduate
degrees in anthropology and intent
on homewrecking-- in short,
armored with a skill for every wile.
But then Annie came to town.
And I don't have to fill you
in on the specifics
of her attack. You can
imagine what happened.
I feel like a secret is being shared and it's there for us to find if we look hard enough or listen close enough. The new lines enhance the first poem and works well.
DeleteInteresting, but it does feel like Annie was tacked on after the fact. LOVE "urgency under pale peach / peignoirs of predatory housewives,"
DeleteThe original line was “but this was Big Rosie.”
DeleteI really enjoyed the way you wrote this poem. I liked the way you used the letter P to give poignancy to the urgency of those housewives...
DeleteClever words...cleverly arranged.
Deletei can imagine what happened tad. very graphic. has a 19th century feel to it - paul.
ReplyDeletegotta write this now, as i just heard she was dead. for annie substitute sarah. that was her name.
DeleteMORTAL THOUGHTS
annie was murdered on the streets last night
ros told me she put up a fight
the cops couldn't give a shit
she was only a homeless girl
they'll get over it
never had a banner to unfurl
when annie came to town
she thought it would be all soft bread and butter
didn't realise how the city grinds you down
and ends your life, with a knife, in the gutter
" spare change please......spare change please.......spare change please "
annie must have said that a thousand times a day
anything to get her fix for the day
" spare change please......spare change please.....spare change please "
goodbye sarah r.i.p.
very sad and well written. I like this one and hope to see more sweet poems. your gentler side is very appealing.
Deletei'm doing this at the gig tonight. read it to clare and we both blubbed. apparently crying in the library is allowed. i'm investigating her murder, as the cops aren't interested in another dead street girl..somebody has to - love paul.
DeleteWow. VERY powerful. Nicely done.
DeleteThis is really sad and you did a great job expressing yourself and your anger and grief. You created the scene and the mood and passed on your feelings... I'd say a job well done!
Deletethanks victoria. another missing person case closed for the cops - love paul.
Deletethanks wolfie. it should be more angry. but i thought i'd go for more melancholy. my investigations continue - love paul.
DeleteOne of your best. I'll bet your audience loved it. A beautiful tribute.
Deletethe audience was sortta stunned. i sang it in a high c and blubbed all over the harmonica. too much new zealand wine and crazy flute players - love paul
DeleteOh commiserations Pauley! :( That is terrible, horrific and sad. Wonderful tribute poem to her.
Deletethanks mil. she was no angel....but then who is? you ok my friend? - love paul.
DeleteAnnie came to town,
ReplyDeleteguns blazing, fringe flying,
sharpshooter,
star of the show.
Still wondered why, When
a man hits a target
they call him
a marksman. When
I hit a target,
they call it a trick. Back
when women
were property,
she lived on her own
terms, believed in herself,
in her gun.
Loved on her own
terms. I ain't afraid
to love a man. I ain't
afraid to
shoot him either.
love it!!! great write and the last verse really said it all. made me chuckle!
DeleteThat was pretty Awesome! I think you did a great job on the prompt.
Deleteannie get your gun. i wrote a poem once called " kill your boyfriend " - nice one vic - love paul.
DeleteWell done. Always loved her story.
Delete:) Love it. Very empowering!
DeleteAn “Annie Oakley” was a free ticket to an event, because the comped tickets had holes punched in them, like the cards Annie shot bullets through.
ReplyDeletethere were guys
ReplyDeletewho dressed in disguise
and girls who strapped on
their knives
when Annie came to town
she was the dirge
of the burg
whenever she chanced
to emerge
'cause Annie got around
she knew everybody's
dirty little secret
someone's naughty little dread
who's been sleeping
in someone else's bed
rumors in the air that
she's almost there
and many a man
is more than scared
when Annie comes to town...
awesome! scary! and well written and expressed. made me afraid of this Annie!
Deletei think i dated this woman wolfie ha ha. a sort of female version of mack the knife. like it - love paul.
DeleteLOVED that second verse...fun! enjoyable poem well done. YES!
DeleteI'd love to hear this one read aloud. A longer version would make an awesome slam poem. Love it!
DeleteHaha! Love it! I second Victoria - this would be an amazing slam poem!!! It packs a punch!
DeleteNonsense with Annie
ReplyDeleteThe sky turned upside down
when Annie came to town.
The squirrels and mice did frown
and dug a hole in the ground.
The trees waved their roots in the air
but no one wanted to share
although the day was fair
when Annie came to town.
I love the image of the sky turned upside down. I had to sit here and try to visualize how that would work. LOL. Nicely done.
DeleteThanks, Victoria, Glad you liked it. I was afraid it was too silly. Yes, Paul, I just bet you do! Thanks for commenting.
Deletevery cute and fun to read!!! good job!
DeleteSome really fine imagery in this poem, I enjoyed the essence of imaginary land here!!
Deletei know a frowning squirrel tash and trees that wave their roots in the air, like they just don't care - love paul.
ReplyDeleteAnnie came to town
ReplyDeleteAnnie had a gun
She wasn't looking for fun
She was looking for her
The one that stole her man
Annie had a gun
Annie came to town
Maybe she should run
Annie had a frown
Annie came to town
Bang!
love the take on the prompt. we can use our imaginations as to the Bang as the end line... good job!
DeleteAwesome!! I love the tension the repetition builds up, then you don't let us down!! Bang!!! Great poem!
ReplyDeleteWhen Annie came town,
ReplyDeleteThere was the gradual insidious sweep of changes in mood….
It took a while for me to see Annie for who she really was.
It started off with normalising abuse to my body
Running every day is healthy, I thought, it keeps me thin, I thought.
The copious amounts of green tea with vanilla 8-9 cups each and every day
The starve and binge cycles I put my body through.
I only really noticed Annie when she showed up in my sister.
My already very slight sister was now showing each and every bone.
Her formal photos revealed the truth.
Annie had come to town alright,
And she had stayed far longer than she should.
Now Annie’s left town. And I breathe a sigh of relief.
My sister and I laugh and tell stories, we go to gym together, we swim together
We live much more freely than before.
Certain things however have stuck:
I cannot drink green tea anymore:
The acrid burning at the back of my throat upon it touching my tongue – enough to make me gag.
The body dysmorphia, hatred of mirrors and photos…
They’ve all stuck around.
My sisters need to constantly exercise is now counterbalanced with adequate calories.
Sometimes I wonder –
Did ANYONE invite Annie to town?
I don’t recall it. But she isn’t welcome here again.
this left me breathless with the intensity of the words. well told and you made it feel real and drew me into the scenes. very visual.
Deleteexcellent millie. would this be annie rexia to give her, her full name. i'm allergic to tea. so it's never been a problem. seafood pizza and a pint of lager....the breakfast of champions ha ha - look after yourself - love paul.
DeleteThanks Bonnie and Pauley :) Oh man, i tried to write a more cheerful one, but Annie/Ana was triggering so i thought better just to get it out of my system.
Delete