From Tad:
This is a line from a poem by my friend Halvard Johnson, that for some unknown reason triggered a creative spark in me. It's got me working on a poem. So I'll submit it as this week's prompt. Write a poem that in some way takes off from this line"
Don't you think he ought to repay the money?
Your poem does not need to actually use that line. Mine doesn't.
OK, here's mine. At least as of now.
ReplyDeleteDEBT
She thinks about repayment
every day, then less
often. She has forgotten
the sum. Her accountant
sends a monthly reckoning,
with accrued interest.
The envelopes pile up.
She returns them, marked
Deceased. She wonders,
could he be deceased?
But then he’d appear
in her dreams, like the others.
About the sex,
first more, then not at all.
It’s crowded out
by colors, descant sounds,
amorphous images,
no two alike.
A powerful poem <3 loved it :)
DeleteThere was a lot of color and imagery in this poem. Enjoyed.
Deletecriminy! gave me chills! powerfully written!
DeleteI found myself discussing this one with Pat, my wife, and talking more about it than I generally do. How do you know something's a poem? You can generally tell by looking at it. The lines don't go all the way across the page. Which means that half or more of the page is blank -- there's nothing there. Which means that what's not there is as important as what is there.
DeleteWhen I start a poem, I often -- and this is the way I prefer to write -- have no idea where it's going to go. As Miles Davis says at the beginning of one of his recordings, "I'll play it first and tell you what it is later." With me, I'll play it first and tell myself what it is later. And in this case, maybe the poem is really about what's not there. What she really wants from this lover who's abandoned her, and it's neither money nor sex.
Like Bonnie said, something about this poem gave me chills. Maybe it is, as you said, what isn't there.
DeleteMaybe that'll be my next prompt: I'll play it first and tell you what it is later.
DeleteI agree with Victoria, chills. There's a ghost in there somewhere, or so it seems. Could be an actual one or one in her mind, but a ghost for sure! Nice poem, fun to think about.
DeleteThis is terrific Tad. I really enjoyed the feeling it gave me as I read it. It read well aloud also.
DeleteREPAY THE GOVERNMENT
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't their money.
It wasn't their trees.
Our land, our trees, and our money
but the government took it
every last penny. Not that
$2000 is a real killing.
Just a spit in the bucket
and a holler in the valley.
We rallied round and round
they made us pay it back
deducted it from our pay
every last red cent
Said we had to repay their money
thus we had bread but no honey
Take it to court, some said!
Bah, against the government
just take it to bed
take the bump on the head
and never do it again, my friend
i don't know how they considered it their money but sadly they do take advantage of those on disability and if you make more money than they think you should, like enough to actually survive and maybe not be so dependent on them and holy cow! maybe be able to support yourselves.. well that just can't happen! good poem with a powerful message/
DeleteI love the ending. Actually the beginning, too. All of it. Tells a story and makes a poem.
DeleteI love the way the story flows, although I almost want more. I kind of like that it's ambiguous but at the same time I want details about what happened.
DeleteOr less. Any time you feel that uncertain wanting, sometimes taking it either way can be powerful.
DeleteLike...yeah! Right on and well said.
DeleteYep, and still paying on it. well written, Honey. Thanks for taking care of me while I was sick.
DeleteHalf a century ago, or so
ReplyDeletethere was a very lonely man.
He purchased a lady of the night
just to hold her hand.
He'd already given the lacy lady
her pay. She thought that it was funny.
You're such a gentleman, she said,
and paid him back his money.
No, I believe you should have it,
I used time you could have worked.
Oh my friend, you do not know,
you may have saved me from some jerk.
I insist you keep the money, he said
and I insist you take it back, said she.
Passing bills back and forth, laughter ensued.
I'll give you half and keep half, do you agree?
What's your name, she asked loquaciously?
They exchanged formalities and fast friends they did become.
Her dream in life it turned was to be a veterinarian.
Sometimes it doesn't matter who you are or where you're from.
Yea, Linda, I really liked the sound of this poem and the ending Tad put on it was very fitting.
Deletecute and fun and yet it makes a thoughtful point. good job and love the sing song of the rhymes.
ReplyDeleteThis is just terrific. I'd like to see it scan a little better, and I'd like a better line that "she asked loquaciously." I love it so much that I want to see it tighter, better. Except the last two lines don't quite scan and I don't see how you could improve on them.
ReplyDeleteHow does this work Tad???
DeleteWhat's your name she asked pleasantly
They exchanged formalities and became fast friends
They stayed together forever more
so you never know the beginning by the end
I like this poem a lot. I like your revised ending better than the original. It fits more with the rest of the poem's rhythm.
DeleteI just would not change those last two lines. The detail about wanting to be a veterinarian. And I wouldn't change a word of the last line. I would say what you want to work on is how to get there.
DeleteThis isn't great, but maybe something like...?
DeleteWhat's your name? she asked. He gave a spare one.
Hers didn't matter either. They were one.
Her dream in life it turned was to be a veterinarian.
Sometimes it doesn't matter who you are or where you're from.
I don't know that they have to become lifelong friends. Maybe this is a true story, and they did -- but it's a poem, it's a story, it's now fiction, and its job is to find its own truth. That's one of the reasons why the veterinarian line is so powerful -- a completely unexpected and true self-revelation. Maybe it would work better if it follows two conventional untruths - fake names. The connection between these two people is so real and so important, it doesn't need to be pushed.
DeleteTad I really like the way you ended my poem. It works very well!!! I am too tired today as Paul has the flu and it has worn me out. LOL So maybe I will edit the whole poem tomorrow or the next day.
DeleteIn one way I feel like I'm cheating, using an old poem three weeks in a row. I would feel more guilty if I wasn't writing, but I am working on my radiation poem series. And it does basically fit the prompt. It is about my, Linda and Bonnie's grandfather.
ReplyDeleteTHE WOMAN IN RED
My grandfather lived downtown at the hooker hotel.
It was named the Gage, but no one, except my mother,
called it that. We all knew what went on. My twelfth summer,
allowed to take the bus to the downtown library,
I went often, stopped to visit Grandpa on the way.
This woman worked there, behind the counter, dressed in red
sequins at 10 a.m., with matching red lips, red nails,
red spikes, but yellow hair that puffed like cotton candy
just spun, before a tongue touches it, melts it into
nothing but sweetness. She stood in stark contrast to scratched,
unvarnished floors that I watched as she took me to his
room, up dark stairs, down dank hallways. Julio!, she called
in cigarette rasp as she tapped gently on his door.
She smiled down at me like she wanted a girl of her
own, made me want a mother in red sequins instead
of sweatshirts. I basked in that look, imagined she would
bake cookies, cook dinner, vacuum floors, read to me, all
in spikes. But when this old man of bald head, thick glasses,
heavy accent opened the door, the look she had
for him, it amazed me. I wondered if he paid her. As
an adult, I know he did. As an adult, I know
that look, know that to them, the money did not matter.
Grandpa had girlfriends everywhere he lived. He was so handsome and he probably paid the lady in red but he may not have had to every time. He was so charming and he smelled so good. I love your poem about him. You do his spirit great honor.
DeleteA sweet poem about a wonderful situation for a good old man, and so nicely written. It seems to me if the poem fits why dos it have to be new? The new part is more for an opportunity to write something is it not? At least that's the way it works for me.
DeleteVictoria, I think her name was Carmen!!! I have been thinking about it all day and all day yesterday. And I believe her name was Carmen.
Deletebeautiful story and fond memories of days gone by love it :-)
DeleteVictoria, Linda has told me a lot about your grandpa Julio. He was a very colorful man with a great personality. She visited him a lot also as a teen and told me about different places he lived. This is a very well written poem and makes me feel that I knew him.
DeleteAlways liked this one.
ReplyDeletepay the money back
ReplyDeleteI deserve it more than you
pay it back right now
lol! good luck getting it back... short but to the point
Deletelike Bonnie said short but to the point. Sometimes short says as much as long because there is a lot left to the imagination.
DeleteI enjoyed this take off on the meatloaf song!!! great senryu!
ReplyDeleteBonnie, I like your senryu. Linda told me that haiku and senryu are not as easy as they look. Just because they are short, it takes a lot of thought to get the syllable count exactly on. I see you did 7/5/7. I am learning more and more about poetry since joining this group. I am very fortunate to be a member.
ReplyDelete