I couldn't decide on a prompt for this week, so here are all of this week's prompts from "A Writer's Book of Days." Pick one... or more...
Oct 16: You're driving in your car.
Oct 17: When I opened my mouth to sing.
Oct 18: Write about a hideout.
Oct 19: Write about jealousy.
Oct 20: Someone says, "Can I see you in the kitchen."
Oct 21: Write about a bruise.
Oct 22: I come from...
I Come From
ReplyDeleteBits and pieces of me come from the stars.
Eons ago I swirled in space singing
mingling in the chorus of creation
until all that was uncreated was formed.
I have sky in me; I have earth in me
I have water and wind, jewels and fire,
daily I forge my being in my veins.
I am a village of selves, a conglomeration
a nation made up of many, living, dying,
swimming in the sea of being. I am
molecules and atoms and quarks, I am
no more and no less the total of my parts
created, melded, and summed up as me.
And too I come from a love affair that culminated
in the joining of egg and sperm, that grew me
into the self that I am that writes this poem now
in a swirl of was and is and will be evermore.
There's a lot of power in this poem. I particularly like the first stanza, makes me want to read the rest!
DeleteSince you seem to be looking for critique too, I will give that, but please understand these are just suggestions.
I understand the use of repetition for effect in poems, but I think stanza 2 has too many "I have"s and then four other "I"s on top of that.
As far as the last stanza. I like it, but I do think the last line is just "too much." I would eliminate the "And too" because it's obvious this is another thing you are. And I think it would be more powerful to end with "writes this poem." As in:
I come from a love affair that culminated
in the joining fo egg and sperm, that grew me
into the self I am that writes this poem.
Wow! Tasha, I thought this was an explosive, powerful poem. A lot of imagery with the wind and the jewel and the fire!!! and I loved your use of internal rhyme. I use it all the time. I think it adds gusto to a poem.
DeleteI like this a lot. I sort of agree with Victoria that maybe some could be tightened, but I'd do it in a different spot. I think "village of selves" is very strong, and you maybe need to give it room to breathe, without saying what's kinda more of the same for the next couple of lines.
DeleteHello all and thanks for the comments. Victoria, I will tighten up the poem, and Tad, while I understand your suggestion I wanted to emphasize the many ways not just the selves I am, but all of the systems that make up this body that is me. Again, many thanks for the comments.
DeleteTasha, I think this poem was a sensational poem. It appealed to my imagination a whole lot. I enjoyed it very much.
DeleteHere is my entry for this week's prompt. Would appreciate comments because I am unsure about the ending, specifically the last line but also the whole last verse. thanks in advance.
ReplyDeleteI have a bruise under my eye
ReplyDeleteMy dog leapt in the air to kiss me
It's more than a bruise, it's a lump
People think I got punched in the face
My dog leapt in the air to kiss me
He licked my face and nearly knocked me down
People think I got punched in the face
He gets too rambunctious when it comes to affection
He licked my face and nearly knocked me down
His name is Thunder and he loves me very much
He gets too rambunctious when it comes to affection
He's very large for a pup of seven months
His name is Thunder and he loves me very much
I rescued him from the throes of death
He's very large for a pup of seven months
He's grown to be nearly 70 pounds in three months
I rescued him from the throes of death
His ribs were showing, his tummy inside out
He's grown to be nearly 70 pounds in three months
Three months of tender loving care and food
His ribs were showing, his tummy inside out
No food, no water and parasites eating him alive
Three months of tender loving care and food
It made him love me with all of his heart
No food, no water and parasites eating him alive
He didn't mean to bruise me when he kissed me
It made him love me with all of his heart
He's only a puppy and gets too excited
He didn't mean to bruise me when he kissed me
It's more than a bruise, it's a lump
He's only a puppy and gets too excited
I have a bruise under my eye
The pantoum repetition really works here, as the story is teased out.
DeleteHi Linda, this is an excellent poem and the form works well with the story, so nicely told. On another note, please send me Bonnie's new address? The second card I sent her came back.I'll send you a message on my phone as well. HOpe to resend it. Thanks also for your nice comment on my poem.
DeleteI agree with Tad, the pantoum works for this story and a great "bruise" story. Even with all these prompts I am still struggling to write something.
DeleteSweetheart, I don't understand much about form poetry but, I do like this poem. It read really nicely aloud.
DeleteAnd I am a witness to the "bruise"!! I am really enjoying this poetry prompt thing. Thanks.
They got everything, and it
ReplyDeletewasn't what they wanted. Now,
they're on the run. Nights,
they find the corner of a smoky bar,
press heads together, look
like lovers, or like enough.
Sometimes, there's a room upstairs
they can rent, stay half the day,
leave when they can get a ride. They've heard
there's a place for people like them,
a hideout, no money needed, though
they still have money. They think it's best
if they split up, but they never do. Once,
they have sex, and next morning
start to drift off separately, but within
minutes, they are side by side again,
not looking at each other. They do not
meet each other's eyes for days,
touch hands for longer. After
weeks on the road, they find the hideout,
but do not stay long.
I sense a crime here or some mysterious happening, a murder or a robbery. I could see the action play out. I even put actors in it, like a movie. Heath Ledger and Angelina Jolee'. Awesome write! This is a "keeper".
DeleteObsession defined. You mean to stay away but you can't so you hide it away. As always with you, an amazing write. Did you really just write this for the prompt. It's very polished!
DeleteTad, this is a really terrific poem. I see we wrote on the same subject and it only shows how different minds can play with the same subject and come out totally not the same. I will have to experiment with freeform one of these days.
DeleteVic - I really did write it for the prompt.I started with a found line -- I can't remember the exact found line, but I think it may have been in the second person -- you got everything, and it wasn't what you wanted. Or something a little different. I know I changed it some. Then I went to the prompts, to see which one I could make it work with, and decided on the hideout. That was my first choice, and I stayed with it. But then I played around some. It didn't start working until I found "they" and decided it was a couple
DeleteDo you know my essay on writing away from the subject? That's where I kinda went with this. Once I'd said they had everything, I didn't want to say anything more about what they had, so I started moving them away from it.
I have a hideout
ReplyDeletethat no one can see
because that hideout
is deep inside of me
This is my place
where no one can go
where I have thoughts
and feelings that no one can know
I live in my hide out
every single day
to keep the world from seeing
that I'm really not OK
Cruelty and hatred
keep pounding at my door
but, I don't answer
for those things I do abhor
Slander and judgement
ignorants and sin
are all waiting on the other side
for me to let them in
So I cringe in my hideout
not wonting to share
in the trial of humanity
where so few seem to care
I come out sometimes
when no one is around
and search for tranquility
that is seldom found
So, if you have a hideout
know I judge you not
for we are all struggling
to have pure deeds and thought
Paul -- if I could make a suggestion -- sometimes we have to choose between meaning and form, and it's always tempting to choose meaning, but sometimes we have to take a gamble that the meaning will somehow get through anyway. And maybe this would be stronger if you did tighten the form a little.
DeleteYou start out with a structure that I really like -- technically, it's a dimeter line -- two beats -- made up of a dactyl and a trochee. In other words, it's DA-da-da DA-da. And each even numbered line nails the meter down, by cutting off that last unstressed syllable -- it's DA-da-da DA.
And a regular form like that is very sstisfying -- gives the reader something to count on -- literally and figuratively. And with a little tightening, you really have it.
If you make the first stanza
I have a hideout
that no one can see
because that hideout
is inside of me
you lose the speficity of "deep," but maybe you can count on the reader to get that anyway. If it's a hideout inside of you, it's got to be pretty deep. And you really make that point in the second stanza -- it's a place where no one can go. But...
This is my place
where no one can go
where I have thoughts
and feelings that no one can know
Again, you lose the meter in the last line, and again it's for the same reason -- too many words, too many syllables, because you want to make sure the reader really understands everything. But nobody ever understands everything anyone means, so maybe it's not so important to try.
Suppose you cut a little from the last line:
This is my place
where no one can go
where I have thoughts
that no one can know
You lose a little in meaning, but you gain a power in the rhythm that carries the reader with you. But maybe the third line isn't quite right. Your meter on the first and third lines is is DA-da-da DA-da, and that line is just DA-da-da DA. So suppose you tweak it again --
This is my place
where no one can go
where I have feelings
that no one can know
Now the meter is perfect, and maybe the line is stronger too. It's really the feelings no one knows that are so important.
And I apologize if I've written way too much here.
Tad, I appreciate the critique. I am a song writer and most of my material can fit into a tune as I am writing. I understand what you are saying, however and will pay closer attention to tuning up my poetry before posting from now on. I wrote it and posted immediately. I should have given it a day to set and worked on it another day to polish it up some. Thank you. Paul
DeleteI know. I write songs too, and there is a huge difference.
DeletePaul, I think it is a lovely poem. It says a lot about the world today and I believe that we all have a little bit of a hideout to protect us from the cruelties of life.
DeleteDon't you think Paul and Tad should have a chance to give us a prompt periodically??? I would think men would have a different point of view on prompts and it would add more spice to our little group. What do you all think???
ReplyDeleteOkay, I fell back on a pantoum too, my "go to" form. But I really did have a poem I thought would work yesterday while I was driving, and as usual, it's no longer there, so instead I wrote a poem about that phenomenon. LOL.
ReplyDeletePOETRY IN MY HEAD
I drive my car on the highway.
I am a diligent driver.
Poetry pops into my head,
I cannot even grab my phone.
I am a diligent driver.
There is no way to write it down.
I cannot even grab my phone,
open Notepad, record my thoughts.
There is no way to write it down.
I try to think of a way to
open Notepad, record my thoughts,
remember the poem for later.
I try to think of a way to.
Poetry pops into my head.
It drifts away into ether.
I drive my car on the highway.
First two lines are wrong. The music is wrong -- they stumble, they don't swing. Everything else is right.
DeleteAnd I screwed up the end. Used a new line instead of repeating. But since you commented I won't delete it but eidt and repost.
DeleteOk, how's this?
DeleteI drive seventy miles per hour,
keep my eyes on the road ahead.
Poetry pops into my head,
cannot even grab my cell phone,
keep my eyes on the road ahead.
There is no way to write it down,
cannot even grab my cell phone,
open Notepad, record my thoughts.
There is no way to write it down.
I try to think of a way to
open Notepad, record my thoughts.
It drifts away into ether.
I try to think of a way to.
Poetry pops into my head.
It drifts away into ether.
I drive seventy miles per hour.
I love the pantoum! You can say so much so uniquely that there is very little waste of words or thought and the lines sort of write themselves after awhile as long as you think ahead a little bit. I think that with all of our technology there could be recorders built into phones...in fact I think there are some somewhere. That would be a solution. I used to write tape letters to Bonnie while driving in my car and listen to her replies. I had a little tape player. I could talk for a full 50 minutes on my way to Erie!! LOL!!!
ReplyDeleteVic, I don't know much about the form poetry but this pantoum form is very interesting. I enjoyed reading your poem very much.
Delete