An old one. But I really want to write a new one for this too.
WHERE I WANT TO GO
I want to go to Africa and see impalas, lions, tigers, monkeys, snakes, giraffes, gazelles, some crocs and wildebeests. The palm trees, sneezewood, mangroves, and the lakes.
Then on to see Australia's platypus, the kookaburra, dingo, kangaroo, koala eating leaves of eucalyptus trees, Tasmania, the Outback too.
From there, I'll travel on to outer space, but stop at Mars to see Olympus Mons, Centauri Montes, Hellas Impact Basin and Valles Marineris right at dawn.
To Rigel next, Orion's brightest star! I'll travel up Orion's arm until I get to Betelgeuse, and go as far as we can go, and travel further still.
I'll pile up adventures and decide where I will start, and how I will proceed; then take my chosen book and go outside to snuggle on the porch swing where I'll read.
Time for me to boldly go where I never wanted the frontier (not yet final) out in the constellation Cancer someone recommended Doctor Ferengi --should I entrust my head and neck to Quark and his associates? I chose Doctor Smith, lost as I was in space, my guide through the danger (Will Robinson!) of radiation which led me to the planet of Doctor Hu I wanted him to use the tardis and take me back to before I got sick but that's outside of the prime directive
Ray Bradbury took me to Mars and other ports in space, and I fascinated by the adventure of it relished the opportunity to become part of it, at least in my imagination.
The Moon beckoned and a man walked on it, first one, then others. We learned much and then moved on to Mars, though not on foot but by a manned machine.
What’s next? Will we one day send folk to walk the mysteries and to reveal their secrets to a watching world? And will Ray Bradbury be watching
from somewhere else with interest to see and to enjoy while waiting for the opportunity to be astonished by this new reality.
You might think about one thing. Poems are short, and so every word in them has a weight that's different from words in any other context. So you want to make sure you're not using any of them to say something that the reader would get even if you didn't say them. I'm looking at the first stanza. Do you need to say that you became part of Bradbury's voyages to Mars and other places? Yes, probably, in some way. It's important that you're tying yourself to Bradbury. But do you need to spell out that this happened in your imagination? The reader probably knows that you didn't go to Mars. And are you separating yourself from Bradbury here? Because he didn't really go to Mars, either. And "fascinated by the adventure" and "relished the opportunity" are sort of reporting on your feelings, when you might instead have given us an image, something that would reach out to feelings in the reader that could be pulled forth to merge with yours. I like everything about the way this poem unfolds. If you felt like spending more time with it and revising it, you might work at tightening it and trying to find ways to give each part of it more immediacy.
Thanks for your kind and detailed critique. I do very much appreciate your comment. I like what you suggest and have looked at the poem and now post the revised version. Thanks again, Tasha PS Do you think the last verse is unnecessary or does it round out the poem? I am not sure.
Space Shot
Ray Bradbury took me to Mars and other ports in space, and I eyes wide and drinking deep relished the opportunity to travel there with him.
The Moon beckoned and a man walked on it, first one, then others. We studied it and then moved on to Mars, though not on foot but by machine.
What’s next? Will we one day send folk to walk the mysteries and to reveal their secrets to a watching world? And will Ray Bradbury be watching
from somewhere else with Interest to see and to enjoy while waiting for the opportunity to be astonished by this new reality.
in a nebula far beyond our universe into the darkness there-out there’s another galaxy full of stars and ethereal stuff and planets with intelligent life there lives a girl with a beautiful mind who knows the answers to space and time and even what happened when all things began born with this knowledge like a prophet she holds the secrets but whoa to her because there’s no one to tell she’s alone in her own magnified space
Lovely. I don't think you need "like a prophet". "born with this knowledge / she holds the secrets." And do you mean "whoa" as in stop or "woe" as in distress/trouble?
I kind of thought the contrast of starting with space and ending with confinement was the point I was making. I'm taking this poem to my writer's group (via Zoom) tomorrow. I'll mention your suggestion to them and see what they think.
I met you first when time began and you and I were sparks we traveled cross the universe and found this planet earth where there was touch and lips that kissed on skin that thrilled for soft caresses we were man and wife before so many many times I see it in my dreams We went out on the high sea and scourged the world wide and sat upon the throne and ruled a multitude of sheep we foraged in the forest and fought against our foes we loved and felt the passion of our kind but baby, all in all we’re really just 2 sparks and we can travel far beyond the things we know today
An old one. But I really want to write a new one for this too.
ReplyDeleteWHERE I WANT TO GO
I want to go to Africa and see
impalas, lions, tigers, monkeys, snakes,
giraffes, gazelles, some crocs and wildebeests.
The palm trees, sneezewood, mangroves, and the lakes.
Then on to see Australia's platypus,
the kookaburra, dingo, kangaroo,
koala eating leaves of eucalyptus
trees, Tasmania, the Outback too.
From there, I'll travel on to outer space,
but stop at Mars to see Olympus Mons,
Centauri Montes, Hellas Impact Basin
and Valles Marineris right at dawn.
To Rigel next, Orion's brightest star!
I'll travel up Orion's arm until
I get to Betelgeuse, and go as far
as we can go, and travel further still.
I'll pile up adventures and decide
where I will start, and how I will proceed;
then take my chosen book and go outside
to snuggle on the porch swing where I'll read.
Nice old one, looking forward o the new one. You are such a good poet, and so talented in so many different styles.
DeleteI love this one. I love the names, I love the direction, I love the journey back home.
DeleteA perfect adventure! I think this is a great way to inspire someone to read more. Look at all the different adventures you could be experiencing.
DeleteI love this poem..
DeleteMY CONTINUING MISSION
ReplyDeleteTime for me to boldly go
where I never wanted
the frontier (not yet final)
out in the constellation Cancer
someone recommended
Doctor Ferengi
--should I entrust my head and neck to
Quark and his associates? I chose
Doctor Smith, lost as I was
in space, my guide through the danger
(Will Robinson!) of radiation
which led me to the planet
of Doctor Hu
I wanted him to use the tardis
and take me back to
before I got sick
but that's outside of
the prime directive
Wow! Humorous yet serious. I absolutely love this.
DeleteThose doctor's names are all real.
DeleteAlthough I am not as deeply into the genre as you, Tad, I do appreciate the references and think the way you put it all together is magnificent.
DeleteThis is fantastic! I love it and how the doctors cooperated name wise.
DeleteSpace Shot
ReplyDeleteRay Bradbury took me to Mars
and other ports in space, and I
fascinated by the adventure of it
relished the opportunity to become
part of it, at least in my imagination.
The Moon beckoned and a man
walked on it, first one, then others.
We learned much and then
moved on to Mars, though not
on foot but by a manned machine.
What’s next? Will we one day
send folk to walk the mysteries
and to reveal their secrets to
a watching world? And will
Ray Bradbury be watching
from somewhere else with
interest to see and to
enjoy while waiting for
the opportunity to be
astonished by this new reality.
I like the way you bring it back to Bradbury, and I really like that the theme of the poem is the capacity for astonishment.
DeleteYou might think about one thing. Poems are short, and so every word in them has a weight that's different from words in any other context. So you want to make sure you're not using any of them to say something that the reader would get even if you didn't say them. I'm looking at the first stanza. Do you need to say that you became part of Bradbury's voyages to Mars and other places? Yes, probably, in some way. It's important that you're tying yourself to Bradbury. But do you need to spell out that this happened in your imagination? The reader probably knows that you didn't go to Mars. And are you separating yourself from Bradbury here? Because he didn't really go to Mars, either. And "fascinated by the adventure" and "relished the opportunity" are sort of reporting on your feelings, when you might instead have given us an image, something that would reach out to feelings in the reader that could be pulled forth to merge with yours.
DeleteI like everything about the way this poem unfolds. If you felt like spending more time with it and revising it, you might work at tightening it and trying to find ways to give each part of it more immediacy.
Thanks for your kind and detailed critique. I do very much appreciate your comment. I like what you suggest and have looked at the poem and now post the revised version. Thanks again, Tasha PS Do you think the last verse is unnecessary or does it round out the poem? I am not sure.
DeleteSpace Shot
Ray Bradbury took me to Mars
and other ports in space, and I
eyes wide and drinking deep
relished the opportunity
to travel there with him.
The Moon beckoned and a man
walked on it, first one, then others.
We studied it and then
moved on to Mars, though not
on foot but by machine.
What’s next? Will we one day
send folk to walk the mysteries
and to reveal their secrets to
a watching world? And will
Ray Bradbury be watching
from somewhere else with
Interest to see and to
enjoy while waiting for
the opportunity to be
astonished by this new reality.
I enjoyed this poem because I feel the same What’s next???? I enjoyed the rewrite and Tad’s advice.
DeleteI like this a lot.. the imagery was fun
DeleteI do like the second version better. Tad gives great advice. It is because of him that I became a competent poet.
DeleteAnd we seem to have picked a sort of similar subject, but very different directions.
DeleteI think the last verse works.
DeleteI hope more than just Victoria will check out my Pleasure poem...for last week. I so appreciate comments.
ReplyDeleteI will when I'm done here.
DeleteI did and you responded. I thought I had.
DeleteI never meant you, Victoria, your comments are GREATLY appreciated, just everyone else, thanks!
DeleteSpace Poem
ReplyDeleteWish Upon A Star
The stars in the sky
glare down on the planets
day or night
at procreative
beings flittering
away time.
Always there
staring
omnidirectionally
as future-now happens.
Tick-tock. Time
and space whoosh by
while all beings
separately cohabitate
home-based orbits
either glaring upward
awed and inspired
to travel in space,
standing below
their sun, their moon,
and the depth of stars
or, perhaps,
humbly appreciating
the current star-gazing view
as they travel
to infinity and beyond
where no being has gone before.
These glowing balls of fire
flicker a friendly twinkle
unconditionally
universally
-for all beings
-for all time.
I glance upward
and see the first star tonight
I stare. I glare. .... I wish ....
that all beings are
unconditional and friendly as
the stars in the sky.
nice poem. I always wish on the first star!
DeleteYes, I wish upon stars too. Personally, I don't think you have to tell us your wish. I think "I wish." would be a great endting.
DeleteBeautiful, evocative poem that stirs up memories and shared dreams. Thank you. .
DeleteI almost stopped at I wish.....
DeleteI like the last verse. The idea of stars being friendly Is somewhat startling.
Delete
ReplyDeletein a nebula
far beyond our universe
into the darkness there-out
there’s another galaxy
full of stars and ethereal stuff
and planets with intelligent life
there lives a girl with a
beautiful mind
who knows the answers to space
and time and even what happened
when all things began
born with this knowledge
like a prophet she
holds the secrets
but whoa to her because
there’s no one to tell
she’s alone in her
own magnified space
Lovely. I don't think you need "like a prophet". "born with this knowledge / she holds the secrets." And do you mean "whoa" as in stop or "woe" as in distress/trouble?
DeleteSweet poem, enjoyed the images.
DeleteI enjoyed this. I think the same of infants. I feel they know ALL but cant tell us.
DeleteVery imaginative poem.
DeleteEight days after
ReplyDeletemy sixteenth birthday
Neal Armstrong
took mankind’s giant step.
I imagined
a future in space
orbiting
stations, domed colonies
on the moon, Mars.
And I would work there,
some kind of
math job. Children playing
at recess,
zero-gravity tag.
But instead
our government builds walls,
spouts racism.
Secret police beat
protesters.
And we fear the virus,
distance from each other,
hide behind masks.
Children stay home,
go to school
in online confinement.
I wish there was one last verse bringing it all around to Space again.
DeleteI kind of thought the contrast of starting with space and ending with confinement was the point I was making. I'm taking this poem to my writer's group (via Zoom) tomorrow. I'll mention your suggestion to them and see what they think.
DeleteWorked on it for my writer's group Discovered I f**ked up the syllables in the final stanza. Here's the rewrite:
DeleteThe Final Frontier
Eight days after
my sixteenth birthday
Neil Armstrong
took mankind’s giant step.
I imagined
a space future with
orbiting
stations, domed colonies
on the moon, Mars.
I would work out there,
math teacher
for settlers’ children who
play zero-g
tag during recess.
Presently,
our government builds walls,
spouts racism.
Secret police scare
protesters.
And we fear the virus,
keep our distance,
wear masks in public.
Children stay
home, go to school online
in confinement.
Yes, now i works better and I withdraw my suggestion. Good job.
DeleteI like them both!
DeleteI like the second version better. “Hide behind masks” is sort of preachy outside of what the poem is really saying.
Delete
ReplyDeleteI met you first
when time began
and you and I were sparks
we traveled cross the universe
and found this planet earth
where there was touch
and lips that kissed on
skin that thrilled for
soft caresses
we were man and wife before
so many many times
I see it in my dreams
We went out on the high sea
and scourged the world wide
and sat upon the throne
and ruled a multitude of sheep
we foraged in the forest
and fought against our foes
we loved and felt
the passion of our kind
but baby, all in all
we’re really just 2 sparks
and we can travel far
beyond the things
we know today
Interesting...not sure ho it relates to the theme...maybe I'm just dense...nicely said, though, very romantic
DeleteNice. I like “ruled a multitude of sheep.” I like the way it begins and ends. I like the sudden warmth of “baby.”
DeleteTwo sparks traveling .... love it.
ReplyDelete