Are you sure she asks in worried voice there is no surveillance in there? Did they steal from a thrift store or plan to steal next time? How hopeless are they to need to filch cheap things from a thrift store?
I like the beginning of this but the last five lines tell, give opinion, not show. And I'm not sure whether you mean "hopeless" as how dreadfully poor they are or that they are beyond redemption. With showing, if you want to be sympathetic to her, maybe have her slip some baby clothes, or a christening gown under her jacket or something. If you want to be critical of her, maybe make it something non-useful, like jewelry or spike heels.
Also, you should italicize spoken words. How you do that here is surround the text with HTML tags for italics. Because it allows the tags in comments, I can't get it to show the actual text for the tags. Try this page. http://www.w3schools.com/html/tryit.asp?filename=tryhtml_formatting_i
some people will steal from anywhere. And a thrift store is usually too poor to have surveillance. It's really sad how people are because it just raises the prices for the rest of us. I have done a nonet. They are not easy. You did a great job!!! I guess I will have to start switching up on my poetry forms. How many forms have you used now that we have started this? It seems like a lot!! Good work, Bonnie!
Are you sure she asks in worried voice there is no surveillance in there? Did they steal from a thrift store or plan to steal next time? How hopeless are they to need to filch cheap things from a thrift store?
there is nothing in the nonet rules that say the writer cannot give an opinion or not show. so I am leaving the poem as is... I am trying the italics here to see if that works. I guess I could have used quote marks as well.
No nothing in a nonet specifies showing not telling. That is a basic rule of all poetry. And yes, the last lines to tell, not show, whether it is an opinion or asking a question. I think you can ask the question with imagery rather than directly. Just my humble (though experienced) opinion.
And glad you figured out italics. Now you just have to "un"italicize "she asks in a worried voice" LOL
In any case, both you and Linda have done better than me and it's my own prompt. I have just spent the last 45 minutes starting and deleting. It's harder than I thought to write about an overheard conversation. I'm more self-centered than I thought. All conversations I write about seem to be directed at me. LOL
and as the prompt is overheard and the women were behind me i wrote what I overheard and I didn't see what they took or if they even took anything so i couldn't write to that part of the story.
first of all you have mastered the pantoum and I see why you like this form so much. on the overheard part it's sad how some people think they are better than others and have the right to judge them. someone once said if people minded their own business they would be too busy to mind others. sounds like these two had not learned that lesson. good work here.
My friend Tad once told me I needed to stop writing pantoums, not because I wasn't good at it, but because I was starting to allow the form to write the poem rather than the other way around. I do love pantoums so I understand your fascination with them also, especially because this is a perfect subject for a pantoum. Repeating things overheard. And yes, you did a nice job with it.
My only suggestion would be changing one of the lines in the first stanza so you don't have three lines starting with "I". My easiest solution would be to drop the "I" on "knew all along she was bi."
On a purely opinion note, I think of "witches" as "good guys" so it took me a while to figure out your meant it negatively. LOL. To me a witch is a pagan priestess.
I wanted to say bitches but I refrained to keep the site clean. LOL I also think of witches in clean ways but also in evil ways. Some practice dark arts.
I feel like the child in this scene is autistic and the mother frustrated from trying to reach into the child' world. at least that's what the words conveyed to me. well written and expressed with enough emotion to draw the reader into the scene.
At least it sounds like the kid is still in the cart. And you can't smack a kid anymore and bribery doesn't do anybody any good. What is a mother to do when a kid is bad in a public place? Well written and nice new form. I enjoyed learning about italicized speaking segments. Good job, Victoria!
Overheard (a Nonet)
ReplyDeleteAre you sure she asks in worried voice
there is no surveillance in there?
Did they steal from a thrift store
or plan to steal next time?
How hopeless are they
to need to filch
cheap things from
a thrift
store?
I like the beginning of this but the last five lines tell, give opinion, not show. And I'm not sure whether you mean "hopeless" as how dreadfully poor they are or that they are beyond redemption. With showing, if you want to be sympathetic to her, maybe have her slip some baby clothes, or a christening gown under her jacket or something. If you want to be critical of her, maybe make it something non-useful, like jewelry or spike heels.
DeleteAlso, you should italicize spoken words. How you do that here is surround the text with HTML tags for italics. Because it allows the tags in comments, I can't get it to show the actual text for the tags. Try this page. http://www.w3schools.com/html/tryit.asp?filename=tryhtml_formatting_i
some people will steal from anywhere. And a thrift store is usually too poor to have surveillance. It's really sad how people are because it just raises the prices for the rest of us. I have done a nonet. They are not easy. You did a great job!!! I guess I will have to start switching up on my poetry forms. How many forms have you used now that we have started this? It seems like a lot!! Good work, Bonnie!
Delete
DeleteAre you sure she asks in worried voice
there is no surveillance in there?
Did they steal from a thrift store
or plan to steal next time?
How hopeless are they
to need to filch
cheap things from
a thrift
store?
there is nothing in the nonet rules that say the writer cannot give an opinion or not show. so I am leaving the poem as is... I am trying the italics here to see if that works. I guess I could have used quote marks as well.
and I don't see it as giving an opinion but asking a question and wondering. hopeless was the only synonym for desperate that fit the syllable count.
DeleteNo nothing in a nonet specifies showing not telling. That is a basic rule of all poetry. And yes, the last lines to tell, not show, whether it is an opinion or asking a question. I think you can ask the question with imagery rather than directly. Just my humble (though experienced) opinion.
DeleteAnd glad you figured out italics. Now you just have to "un"italicize "she asks in a worried voice" LOL
In any case, both you and Linda have done better than me and it's my own prompt. I have just spent the last 45 minutes starting and deleting. It's harder than I thought to write about an overheard conversation. I'm more self-centered than I thought. All conversations I write about seem to be directed at me. LOL
Deleteand as the prompt is overheard and the women were behind me i wrote what I overheard and I didn't see what they took or if they even took anything so i couldn't write to that part of the story.
DeleteThey were whispering
ReplyDeleteI just caught the end of it
I knew who they were talking about
I knew all along she was bi
I just caught the end of it
The gossip of two witches
I knew all along she was bi
Her sexuality meant nothing to me
The gossip of two witches
Buzzing like two bees in my ear
Her sexuality meant nothing to me
The thought they were wrecking her name
Buzzing like two bees in my ear
Malicious looks on their faces
They thought they were wrecking her name
Whispering nasties in the night
Malicious looks on their faces
Little did they know she didn't care
Whispering nasties in the night
Didn't bother her at all
Little did they know she didn't care
I knew who they were talking about
It didn't bother her at all
They were whispering
first of all you have mastered the pantoum and I see why you like this form so much. on the overheard part it's sad how some people think they are better than others and have the right to judge them. someone once said if people minded their own business they would be too busy to mind others. sounds like these two had not learned that lesson. good work here.
DeleteMy friend Tad once told me I needed to stop writing pantoums, not because I wasn't good at it, but because I was starting to allow the form to write the poem rather than the other way around. I do love pantoums so I understand your fascination with them also, especially because this is a perfect subject for a pantoum. Repeating things overheard. And yes, you did a nice job with it.
DeleteMy only suggestion would be changing one of the lines in the first stanza so you don't have three lines starting with "I". My easiest solution would be to drop the "I" on "knew all along she was bi."
On a purely opinion note, I think of "witches" as "good guys" so it took me a while to figure out your meant it negatively. LOL. To me a witch is a pagan priestess.
I wanted to say bitches but I refrained to keep the site clean. LOL I also think of witches in clean ways but also in evil ways. Some practice dark arts.
DeleteWHAT YOU CAN DO
ReplyDeletea 5/4 poem
Why won't you listen? shouts
at the grubby child.
Spiky blonde hair
grape jelly
cheeks, eyes closed, he screams, howls.
Walmart check out line.
Stop it! Stop now!
Mom doesn't
look more than 12 herself.
Twelve dollars, five cents,
clerk shouts loudly,
says, Sometimes
there's nothing you can do,
smiles kindly, gives change,
I know, mom says.
Tears stream down
her own cheeks, child still tight
but distant from her own
nothing. Nothing
she can do.
I feel like the child in this scene is autistic and the mother frustrated from trying to reach into the child' world. at least that's what the words conveyed to me. well written and expressed with enough emotion to draw the reader into the scene.
DeleteAt least it sounds like the kid is still in the cart. And you can't smack a kid anymore and bribery doesn't do anybody any good. What is a mother to do when a kid is bad in a public place? Well written and nice new form. I enjoyed learning about italicized speaking segments. Good job, Victoria!
DeleteJust FYI. Definition of a 5/4 poem. Each stanza has 5 lines, but there are only 4 syllable counts - 3, 4, 5 and 6. So in this case my first stanza is:
Delete6
5
4
3
6
So the sequence of syllables continues for five lines.
5
4
3
6
5
It gives a feel of free verse but is actually structured. It was created by my friend Tad Richards.